Oh Blog It All

My shallow thoughts and inane musing have to be kept somewhere and the backyard is full up. Oh but wait, thanks to a little known invention by Al Gore, not only can I save these ravings for posterity, I can inflict them on the world at large. Thank you Al, you're my hero. NOT.

Name:
Location: Cape Town, South Africa

I'm a petite blonde with really big....... OH wait, that's for a different site. If I had my way I'd be an overweight house wife operating a phone sex line from home. But I don't get to have my own way, so I'm just a brunette with really big ideas who has a day job that I can tolerate - they pay me to pitch up. I share my life with, in no particular order, a geek and a cat. Life could not be better I tell ya!

Friday, October 29, 2004

Soapies, Secretaries and Satan - They're all IN this together

For the longest time I fought against getting an INtray on my desk. I learned from bitter and painful experience that INtrays are more then just weirdly shaped plastic receptacles (that may or may not communicate with all the other weirdly shaped plastic receptacles currently loitering on your desk). They are in fact the spawn of Satan and being the evil bastard that he is he’s made sure that every damn cubicle / open plan office dweller has one.

I know you think I’m over reacting. You’re sitting there all smug and sure of yourself convinced that I’m two screws short of an orgy. It’s a harmless little piece of plastic, it’s handy, you can put stuff in it and it makes your desk look organised. Well, if that is what you are thinking then you, my friend, are so far gone that you probably shouldn’t even read any further.

Of course some of you may be viewing your INtray askance – wondering just what makes it so evil. Well, pull your chair a little closer, I’m going to have to whisper, we don’t want this information getting out and causing a panic. (If you have to tell someone, only tell those you really love and give the asshole that sits next to you and always used your coffee mug, even though you’ve asked him like a million times not to, another INtray – he deserves it).

Your INtray is the reason you always have so much work to do and never enough time to do it in. It’s the reason you work hours and hours of overtime and completely miss the first 18 years of your child’s life. It’s the reason you don’t even realise that your spouse has run off with the maid, the minister, the gardener, the neighbour or all of the above.

See your INtray really isn’t an INtray. It is a breeding ground for papers. You put one sheet of paper in there and leave it alone for a while. Guaranteed when next you look at it that one page has become seven pages, all of them having something to do with more work for you.

But it does it so subtly that you’d never know if I didn’t tell you. Your INtray is cunning, it’s devious, and it ALWAYS operates in stealth mode.

I can just hear my Geek asking me how this is done. Really it’s nothing too technical, just watch an episode of Egoli* and pay particular attention to the Secretaries. What do those Secretaries do all day besides lunch, gossip and pause dramatically? Yip, copy documents**.

Copying documents would be harmless in itself but that’s where Satan comes in. To cut a long story short, Satan knows how to bend time and space to his will (before he went over to the dark side he knew some pretty powerful people, he paid attention, he picked up a few interesting tid bits, okay?) and has created an invisible portal between your INtray and the ‘office’ set on Egoli. There in full view of cast, crew and the nation of Egoli addicts, the Secretaries copy those documents. Bear in mind that theirs is a one of a kind copier (that most certainly is not made / sold / distributed by the Copier Company Sponsor of the Day). It doesn’t make exact copies of the original (duh, else this whole scheme wouldn’t work). It subtly alters every single copy in such a way that to the untrained eye it just looks like more work to you, the poor slob currently drooling over the keyboard.

The original and the ‘copies’ are then warped back to your INtray and suddenly you got a whole lotta more work to do. It’s so simple (apart from the whole bending space and time thing, which takes a few millennia of workouts in the gym) which is why it works.

Now of course you think you know all the answers, but try stopping the spread of this evil. It’s not as easy as you think.

You see, when I started my new job I didn’t want an INtray. When they made their first offer I said no, thank you. I declined the second offer politely but firmly. The third offer came with an incentive, no more liver and onions on the canteen menu if I said yes. Saying no then was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And then the bastards kicked it up a notch – they offered me a blue one. A lovely blue INtray that just so nicely matched my blue paper cube and my blue mouse pad and even my blue car. How could I not say yes, blue is my favourite colour.

I remember the old days when I did not have an IN tray. Every evening I would go home on time, my desk clear of every shred of paper, all my work done for the day. I’d come in the next morning and surf the net for two hours before someone thought to give me some work to do (their INtray was looking a bit full you understand). But now, now my INtray is so full stuff is spilling over the sides. I made the mistake of putting ONE folder in my INtray, now I have, count them - one, two, three, four of the bloody things.

My only hope is to win the lottery and thereby leave this sorry excuse of a job or get my sorry ass fired for spending too much time on the net blogging about inane issues. I need to get away from this desk, this office, this company, find something new and swear by all that I hold holy (i.e. my entire Depeche Mode collection comprising CD’s, DVD’s, Videos, Box Sets, T shirt and poster of Martin Gore going through his cross dressing phase – it WAS the 80’s ok) that I will never, ever, EVER allow an INtray on my desk again.

But of course he did not become the Lord of Darkness on edgy good looks alone. It takes a bit more then that. He knows I’m onto his evil scheme and Satan is up for the challenge. He’s reengineered the INtray. It’s got a new look, a new place on the desk, it’s bigger, it’s bolder, it comes in 256 colours.

It’s New and Improved.

It’s called an INbox.

You have been warned.

* Egoli – typical soapie set in Joburg complete with the obligatory obscenely rich family, the obscenely poor family that makes good and an assortment of pretty faces and paltry story lines that enthrals (on a daily basis) everyone from chain-smoking house wives to deported union representatives.

** When it comes to a scene set in the office where the Secretaries are supposed to be “working”, that “work” is copying documents. It just slays me that I worked hard on developing a pleasant telephone manner, learnt the alphabet so that I could file documents alphabetically, learned to type with ALL TEN FINGERS yet according to TV if you want to be the Personal Assistant to the CEO of a Large International Corporation then ALL you need to know is how to copy documents.

2 Comments:

Blogger Stef said...

Not a comment about your post as such just popped round to say thank you for your nice comments about my blog.

Also, a friend of mine just sent me the following email about your comments ...

1.ask her for a photo; depending on whether it is good or not then
2. Send her a picture of me back.

I will then fly to S. Afric and report back.

You have a fan ...

3:10 PM  
Blogger Geek's Girl said...

So, obviously my wit, my wisdom, my charm, my intelligence count for naught, it just comes down to looks? Fortunately I have some of those. Hence it should come as no surprise that a pretty girl like me was snapped up quite some time ago so your friend gets to save the airfare. See, it's all good :-)

1:06 PM  

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